Pressure

The last two days have been very tiring. On Tuesday a trip to the doctors ended in a massive dilemma for me. I suffer from Endometriosis, which is a painful affliction that stems from the lining of the womb. Rather unfortunately I have had it for years, but was only diagnosed offically in 2001. My doctor has been working with me to manage it since then, but then dropped the bombshell that because of the migraines I've been having the course of action we were taking could put me at risk of a stroke! It all sounds very dramatic but the risk is very small. The alternative would be to either take a large injection of progesterone, which could have awful side effects and render me infertile for possibly a year, which sounds like a really unnatural thing to do to my body, or get pregnant.

The irony of this disease is that having a baby can cure you, but the disease itself can lead to infertility! I've been with Steve for over a year now but it's an awfully big thing to ask, and i'm not even sure I feel ready to have a baby, if indeed I even can get pregnant! This is driving me mad. Steve and I are completely in love, and he is supporting me in this 100%, we are talking things through, but we know we want to have children together, so do we just go for it and allow the universe to step in?


I saw this on my walk back from the hospital today, it brought a little light.

I'm so glad that my sister and mum are coming to be with me tomorrow. They are the light at the end of this dark tunnel today, i'm in need of some sisterly and motherly advice.

How can I possibly do any work...

It' so much fun having two kittens in our home. Of course they are exploring everywhere now, feeling brave and adventurous. Frida is obsessed with my fingers, so typing is a brilliant game. I can't believe they've only been here a few days, they are so at home and happy, and they've started following me around. They're so small it's ridiculous. Steve is completely in love with them too...

My Moggies

Some good news must begin with a sad tale about a beautiful cat called Spider…

The week before Christmas Spider got really ill. It all happened so quickly. She was quiet and withdrawn for a couple of days and wouldn’t eat or drink. The vet thought it was probably just a bug. But she got worse and worse and had to go into hospital on a drip. I went in to be with her, they told me that her kidneys had failed and there was no chance of her getting any better. We tried everything but eventually I had to accept this. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I stayed there and held her for as long as I could. My partner Steve came to be with her and my ex partner came to spend time with her as well. We were all there with her.

So I told her not to be scared. That everything would be okay. She purred as I held her. She knew that we were all with her, I think she knew what was happening and she was ok. I told her I loved her, and then we looked into each other’s eyes, and then she went. I felt her leave me as we sat there, she left her little body and flew away.

My initial response was to collapse in a flood of tears and cry out ‘WHAT HAVE I DONE?’ It was so hard to accept. She was my little best friend through so many difficult times. I really miss her, especially when I am here at home. I hope she forgives me and that she still loves me. I think she does. It seems like she is around sometimes.

As the time has passed the cat shaped hole she left won’t go away. I could never replace her, she was one of a kind for sure, a feisty, no nonsense cat who kept me on my toes, and definitely gave me a reason to get up on days in darker times. She went missing once, and so distraught, I looked for her every night, street after street, for three weeks, and she came back to me, I couldn’t be without her. My wise sister said that we have pets because of our amazing ability to love. So we decided to find two little felines in need of a home, two being a completely different dynamic to having one. And in my new life it seemed like the next step forward.

So for the last few weeks I have been waiting and hoping that a family friend might have some kittens for us to adopt. Like a child waiting for Christmas I have been hopping around the house in anticipation. And finally it happened, the magical call telling us that two silver tabbies were ready to come and live with us. I am so happy to have them, and yet writing this post has brought my tears back for Spider. I think she’d be proud of me, watching from afar, my little guardian, never far from my side, leaving here when my life is finally on the right track…


So here they are... Maya and Frida


Frida is the adventurous one...


...and Maya is finding her way...